Just Ask Me, Already!

This past week was spent with my family, celebrating my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary.  It was a wonderful week, where I was surrounded by love and the beauty of the Sierra Nevada mountains.  It was also the week I had determined to come out as pagan to my mother.  We had two days together without the rest of the family, and I was totally prepared.  I'd read When Someone You Love Is Wiccan and everything.  

I put it out to the universe that for me to know that my mom was ready to hear with open and accepting ears she (mom) would have to ask me a question. I'd know the question when I heard it, but I needed a sign that it was time.  

It wasn't time. 

I don't know what I could have done to make it any more obvious.  I told her I belong to a women's circle and that we start things off with drumming and singing and dancing.  I spent rather a lot of time in new age type shops, looking at statues, rocks, and candles.  I even told her straight up that I have a very fulfilling spiritual life, that it is different from hers, and that is why I haven't mentioned it to her.  I told her I didn't believe that anyone could tell anyone else what spiritual path to follow and that one of the great purposes of life is to figure out your own spiritual path.  

She never even asked me what I believed.  

HOW MUCH MORE OBVIOUS DO I NEED TO BE, MOM?!?

*Ahem* 

I think I may never be able to tell her at this point, that truly this will be my secret for the rest of my life.  Here's why:

I haven't spoken to my aunt in several years.  We spent a delightful few hours talking and catching up.  At one point my aunt asked me if I had anyone special in my life, male or female.  I just smiled and told her I wasn't a lesbian.  She replied that that is what she had thought, but that I was family and she wanted to reassure me that I was loved no matter.  I was quite touched and a little amused, and related the conversation to my mother.  Her response?  You're not a lesbian, are you?  

*sigh*

I love my mother dearly, and I feel that in nearly every way, I hit the parental jackpot.  But this denial of anything outside of her own experience is driving this huge wedge between us.  One that her crucifix crossed eyes can't see.  

Into the Deep

I had an interest, if long and intense, journey with Yemaya on Saturday morning.  It was completely unexpected, but I'm glad it happened.  I needed to get down into things and spend some serious time with her.  

I put on the ocean sounds playlist on the computer and settled in.  I started on the beach and Yemaya looked so much older then what I'm use to seeing.  We hugged for a minute or two and then dove into the water.  

We always turn into mermaids once we are in the water.  We started down  and along came shark.  "Shark will come when you are in trouble, in danger.  Shark is your protector".  The shark swam around us for a few minutes, long enough for me to get a feel for his energy and close enough for me to touch his sandpapery skin.  There was no love there, no emotion at all.  But then again, what does a shark need with love or hate?  Eventually the shark swam off and we continued downward.  

Down and down, further and further, we swam until the water turned murky.  From below, a huge whale swam.  It's eye was almost as big as my body.  "Whale is your messenger.  She travels between all levels of the ocean and out of your subconscious mind to your conscious mind.  She is big because what she brings is big". I spent some time just resting my head along her side, touching, knowing, being. 

Then, Yemaya and I continued further down, into the Twilight zone of the ocean, the place where the light has faded. "These are creatures that live in both light and darkness.  They transverse between the worlds, able to live in both.  You're learning how to do this, but here is where you need to spend the most time".  We stayed for awhile and watched all manner of fish, shrimp, and jellies swimming up and down.   It was beautiful and amazing.  

Finally we went to the bottom to explore the volcanic trenches.  Even in the pitch black, there were many, many bright flashes of bioluminescence.  "In order to shine, there must be darkness" she tells me.  We finally reach a vent.  "Even in the most inhospitable places, life flourishes.  Wherever, whenever, you too can survive". 

Then we went to go see Olokun at the bottom of the bottom of the darkest trench.  Here I could see just fine.  "Go take care of him." I slid the manacles on his wrists back and wrapped the raw places on his arms with clean seaweed.  I used a sea urchin to pick out his hair before braiding it.  He wrapped his arms around me, affectionately, fatherly, and tanked me for attending to him and making the journey.  He promised me riches if I visit him and tend to him again.  I agreed to return, without setting a specific date.  Then Yemaya and I returned to the beach. 

"All tis (the ocean) is yours to rule.  You have learned so much, yet have so much left to learn".  

The the music shifted to the coming back song, and that was that.  I'm apprehensive about returning to Olokun, but know I'll be back sooner or later.