I put it out to the universe that for me to know that my mom was ready to hear with open and accepting ears she (mom) would have to ask me a question. I'd know the question when I heard it, but I needed a sign that it was time.
It wasn't time.
I don't know what I could have done to make it any more obvious. I told her I belong to a women's circle and that we start things off with drumming and singing and dancing. I spent rather a lot of time in new age type shops, looking at statues, rocks, and candles. I even told her straight up that I have a very fulfilling spiritual life, that it is different from hers, and that is why I haven't mentioned it to her. I told her I didn't believe that anyone could tell anyone else what spiritual path to follow and that one of the great purposes of life is to figure out your own spiritual path.
She never even asked me what I believed.
HOW MUCH MORE OBVIOUS DO I NEED TO BE, MOM?!?
*Ahem*
I think I may never be able to tell her at this point, that truly this will be my secret for the rest of my life. Here's why:
I haven't spoken to my aunt in several years. We spent a delightful few hours talking and catching up. At one point my aunt asked me if I had anyone special in my life, male or female. I just smiled and told her I wasn't a lesbian. She replied that that is what she had thought, but that I was family and she wanted to reassure me that I was loved no matter. I was quite touched and a little amused, and related the conversation to my mother. Her response? You're not a lesbian, are you?
*sigh*
I love my mother dearly, and I feel that in nearly every way, I hit the parental jackpot. But this denial of anything outside of her own experience is driving this huge wedge between us. One that her crucifix crossed eyes can't see.
My folks and I have a very interesting don't-ask-don't tell relationship about my spirituality. In the past, when they thought I was still convince-able, they would rail at me and challenge me and point the way back to the cross. They would ask me about it, bring it up, fight about it, cry about it. That was all when I was just a fence-sitter and not actually identifying myself in any particular way, other than to say I was just "spiritual." At that time, I was studying Cathoiicism, Tibetan Buddhism, Sufism and Goddess lore all at once. But once I, internally, made the firm decision that I was finally and firmly a pagan, they just.stopped.asking. Totally and completely. Even now, when I bring it up. Now, that I own a witchy store. Now, that they have seen my altars and know what I do at them. Now, when I even tell them straight up about my women's circles and spirituality and all that. They just. say. nothing.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that they don't know. It's that they don't want to know. Your mom doesn't want to know, either. But she knows. And her silence will be more frustrating than a firm disapproval or approval. Which is why she does it :)
Love you. I know you're a witch.